Memories of the past

I don't know why but I still remember the past. Was at borders just now and I remember the times we'd spent around that area. I felt the pain as I'd tried to brush it away.

It still hurts.

I thought I had let go of the past completely. I thought 09 filled the void significantly without having to go down that path. However after tonight, the happy memories came flooding back and I am close to tears.

I thought things would change after requesting the connection. Somehow when they didn't, I felt at ease or it's as though I'd expected it. Perhaps I am closer in coming to terms with reality.

Right now though, I want to see you.

09 & 06

I see so many similarities between 09 & 06. So many .... I am worried that my mistakes of the past will repeat themselves. I need to keep the big picture in mind. 09 is good and I don't want it to get to a state whereby the relationship becomes awkward.

I get what 001 means about the heart of 09. I see it. I know with 06, it was rarely like that.

09 is really sweet. Somehow I feel that what had happened with 06 will not happen with 09. But then again, I never thought that what had happened with 06 could have ever happened till it did and when I'd realised it, I was in too too too deep.

Thankful

I feel really honoured to have been part of a wonderful wedding. It was a cosy and intimate dinner with a small crowd. It was truly beautiful and to have been given the opportunity to be part of it >- Wow !! :)

It was really nice. The bride looked so pretty and the groom, good-looking. They look so compatible and really sweet.

Am touched to have gotten close to the bride in such a short period of time.

When I look back and reflect on the new friendships made along the way, I feel really blessed.

The inevitable

The inevitable is going to happen. I know it was not an easy decision. The reasonings make sense. Most importantly, happiness and sanity is at stake.

I can't imagine the absence though. I have received so much. It's time I gave back.

I hope the outcome will be a good, in all sense of the word. May it bring you happiness and clarity, my dear friend.

I wish you all the best ...

A different kind of letting go

I need to let go of what I'm holding onto so tightly for 09. If I don't let go, I'll go crazy. I need to remember what I was like with 08. The thing is I can't remember at all. I don't have the faintest idea.

I must work on ensuring that I don't get emotionally involved with 09. If not, die lah.

I also need to ensure that even though 09 may conjure up the past with 06, I should not be pushing 09 away or treating 09 unfairly. I should not be putting up walls or I don't know. I need to be the same person to 09 as I have been to 08. I need to be pally with 09 and nothing more. Else, it will be a second spiral downhill and I don't think I have the time to handle it, nor the energy. I don't think I will then have what it takes to get back up again.

Maybe what had happened with 06 will not happen with 09 as 09 is too too busy. Don't know why 06 was super duper free and I was rather free too. Deadly combination.

I just need to distance myself from 09, to protect myself and my heart. And at the same time, be the same person I had been to 08, to 09.

Unconscious remark

When 001 had mentioned that remark, it was an unconscious one. It was only when I brought up the issue of 06, then upon further reflection, I was like that with 06. I had the same expression with 06. I thought I do have that expression with the rest as well, even with 001.

ARGH !!!!

History

I cannot afford to let history repeat itself. It will be disastrous to not have learnt my lesson. Why do I light up when I meet 09? Why do I get excited when I meet 09? I had looked forward to meeting up to 08. I'd enjoyed those sessions with 08. Perhaps 08 was more pally and thus such emotions were not evoked. There are so many similarities between 09 and 06 that I fear what will happen next.

The only thing I can do as advised by a dear friend is to be more aware and to draw the lines very clearly. With 08, there was no need for such lines as 08 is very different from 09.

I guess that the difference between 08 and 09 is that I get excited and I do light up with 09. Yes, I do have a grin with 08 but with 09, it is very very different.

Sigh...